Conversations with My Killer

In my last blog post, I confessed that I'm a killer. I shared a destructive habit I have—which is when I feel hurt by someone instead of staying vulnerable and admitting it, I attempt to take them down with a hurtful comment disguised as a helpful comment. Today, I have another confession to make—I love killing.

While I don't love the habit and its effects on me or the people around me, I do love the feeling of the kill. It sparks a jolt of energy in my system that feels good—a bad kinda good that feels scary to my good girl conditioning.

Last week, after admitting to myself that I enjoy the feeling the kill, I got really curious about my killer. So, I decided to have a conversation with her, and I'm so glad I did—she had some very interesting things to say.

Let me preface this by saying I've always been someone who enjoys exploring the “dark” side of human nature. I've been doing shadow work for years now, and find it much more truthful and fruitful than something like positive thinking. I tried that whole positive thinking thing for about a year a while back, and what I found was that after a few days of working hard to attempt to only think positive thoughts, I usually wanted to stab myself in the eyeballs.

So, when I became aware of the killer in me, I was ready to dive down into the shadows for a meet and greet.

This is my process for shadow work:

  • I set the intention to meet what I can sense is down there
  • I lie down and begin to feel my body descend
  • At some point I start shaking involuntarily and I know I'm close
  • Then some cool shit happens

So, I set the intention to meet my killer, descended down, began shaking—and then suddenly my whole system was flooded with an intense feeling of animalistic power. This was my killer in true form—a powerful prowess. I was in awe.

We began to talk.

She told me that the reason I've been trying to take down my friends with passive aggressive comments is not because I'm weak, but because out of misunderstanding and fear of her power I've kept her chained up in a basement since the age of about eight. The emotional “kills” I targeted at loved ones where like morsels of rotten meat to her. My passive aggressive behavior was just a distorted version of her—and the only game I allowed her to play.

Then she told me she really wants to play a much bigger game.

Basically, she wants to go out into the world and “kill it.” I've been making a lot of uncomfortable and risky changes in my life lately. I ended a twelve year career that I wasn't excited about anymore, started this blog, enrolled in a program to become a coach, began coaching clients, and starting teaching painting classes, amongst other things.

It's scary and challenging and many days I want to hide in my bathtub. But, not her. She's ready to build a killer coaching business and ready to take all the risks that come with doing it.

She also made it clear that she wants a lot of sex.

My whole life I've felt like prey trying to escape unscathed from men on the prowl. But, not her. She's the prowler, not the prey.

It's been two weeks since we first talked, and I'd love to tell you that I've unchained her completely and she now prowls free. I'd love to tell you that I've hunted down ten new coaching clients and captured many-a-male prey for wild nights of beasty romping. But, that would be a fairy-tale version of shadow work.

Currently, we are in a reconciliation process.

She is no longer my enemy and we are in the process of building a trusting friendship. When I notice an urge to take-down someone with an emotional kill, I've been able to stop myself, and remember it just means my killer needs a bigger game. So, I give her one. This has proved awesome because if my life were left up to me, I would spend a lot of time at home rearranging my silverware or pretending to do something while I sneakily did nothing.

And the sex part? Well, it's a work in progress, I've got years of conditioning to contend with, but I have noticed I no longer feel the need to cringe or shrink when men stare at me on the street. And, in general, things have heated up around here a little bit.

I can feel the inherent goodness of her now, and this process has been a powerful reminder to me that all the parts of myself I find ugly, shameful, and non-redeemable are denied sources of power begging to be set free into true form.

The magnitude of her power still scares me at times, but inevitably the prowl has already begun.

Where it leads me? I'll keep you posted.